A Work In Progress...

For the past week I've has a nasty sore on the side of my tongue that has made it nearly impossible to talk. Yes, Ryan has been speechless. I know you don't believe me. Let just say Sammi and I are awesome at charades now. The pain was so bad my doctor actually prescribed me vicodin. It actually made me sick. Fun times X 2.

Anywhoo, I'm getting off topic. So I've been incapable of speech for the past 5-7 days. Guess what fell smack in the middle of those days...my birthday. Yeah. So since I haven't been able to spend much time enlightening those around me, I've had ample time to attempt enlightening myself. Moving on.

All that to set the stage. My wife is ridiculously incredible. I mean, she is really all that God ever intended a woman to be. She's great. That's had me thinking about God. About his goodness. And now we have hit the body of my thoughts... I've been in searing pain for 7 days...those seven days reaching out as far as they can in every direction from my birthday, grabbing every ounce of fun they can touch. I spent a lot of time mad at God. Seriously. On day 2 of my microcosmic Job experience, I receive my rejection from both grad schools I applied to.

Now, I believe in a God who is as concerned about the big stuff as he is about your athlete's foot. I think he is intimately concerned with everything in our lives. So why doesn't he do something about my suffering. I'm not saying he should end all my suffering. That's just not rational, right? But if he can heal (which I believe he can, I mean, how can he be a deity if he can't fix small problems like health? that's like a mechanic who is incapable of changing spark plugs. "You know, you'll appreciate the character you gain as a result of that misfire in cylinder 3. Trust me.")

So if all this is true, then where is he when I'm having the worst week of my life? He's in my wife. I have to tell you, I love Sammi so much it hurts. I don't know exactly what that phrase means, to be quite honest. I just know that it encapsulates what I feel. So sue me, I have ‘cliche’ tendencies. So I love my wife recklessly. I really do. But this past week has shown me exactly how wonderful she is. It's shown me how much she loves me and what she's willing to go through just to help me be happy.

If I didn't have big bumps in the road, and little bumps in the road, I would become so recklessly wrapped up in my own narcissism that I would never emerge. I would really and truly be Gollum, forever clasping the 'precious' of my own ego. It's those bumps that make me lose my grip on my precious, and as I chase it, attempting to clutch it once again, I bump into reality which is at once terrifying (how horrible I am) and beautiful (how gracious God is towards me).

I don't say this to give anyone a pat answer to suffering. I am not saying that you shouldn't get angry at God. I would never say that. You must express your emotions, or they will find a way to express themselves, no matter how violent the street they choose may be. But it is in the midst of expressing those emotions that you are given a choice: do circumstances dictate what you believe about life? or does what you believe about life resonate so strongly within you that it adjusts your perception of reality and anchors you in the midst of the terrifying parts of life?

Sometimes pain is used to bring good. I don't like that fact. But it doesn't change it from being true. My pain over the past week has shown me a lot of great things. i wouldn't want to relive the pain, but I also wouldn't want to give up what I've learned. This may be oversimplified. As a matter of fact, I know it is. And you have my apologies if at any point this has caused you pain. That was no my intention. Consider it a work in progress...just like all of us.

-Ryan Lytton